I will now share a school yard tale. Please read it in the voice of either the Narrator of Battle Block Theater or the Narrator in Pit People.
There was once a young boy named Tommy, who was so cowardly he'd always run to his mommy. One day his friend Billy grew tired of his ways and threw a fit. He said "Tommy! 1V1 ME IN THE PIT! 3 O'CLOCK!" The boys and grills surrounded the two with a "OOoooooo" This was not your usual 3 pm AFTER SCHOOL PLAYGROUND FIGHT. So the time came where Tommy had to prove himself and defame his once friend, now turned enemy Billy. He wrapped up his fist in nice linen cloth hand wraps, got out his mother's Ironing board, now his Iron Shield and his grand pappies giant dentures. I MEAN THESE THINGS WERE HUGE, but Tommy was the hero of his team so he could hold it pretty well. Tommy knew better not to fight alone so he brought his pet Meowy the Vampiress and her child riding on her back to fight with him. His trusty Pixie SOUL TASTER, His school teacher Golden Toes, and a Hair Troll named Quazar.
Billy came twice as PREPARED! Oh Tommy was really in for it. Billy called up his older Half Brother in World 2 and was like "Big brother I need some big help!" Staggering into the Arena stood a 8 foot tall CYCLOPS! Golden Club, and Baseball in hand. He brought his girlfriend Delicious the Human along, she was packing HEAT! The Heat of a Flamethrower! Billy also asked his dad to borrow his Electrobot.... at this point Billy is just a jerk being unfair... but I digress. Finally he had the might of a fellow school child who was prone to fire sharpen sticks with her bow. Glossy was her name. The FIGHT was on
Tommy was feared as the fight started, almost instantly a cloud of purple blinded his sight. Billy's squad moved close. With a swift throw of his Baseball the Cyclops stunned Golden Toes. Rendering her useless for a turn. Delicious set Quazar ablaze! He screamed in agony as his hair burned and fizzled off his body, filling the air with the upmost foul odor. No one was going to be spared under Billy's MIGHT! Just in a moment the Electrobot took action, bursting SOUL TASTER With a single critical shock. The Pixie let out a blood shrilling "OWWWWWAAHHAHAAA" as it popped like balloon. A balloon filled with red blood and flinging intestines.
Standing in here place, Meowy stared with pleading eyes at Glossy. Glossy Smirked with wild, devilish, smug lips that cut left and right up to her ears. She readied her bow and fired a pike. It spinned as it traveled through the air and impaled that poor baby's face. Knocking it off her mother's back. The young Vampiress curled up her extremities curled up like a spider inward to her body and she let out a blood curdling shriek of death. It was finally Billy's turn to strike. He lifted his PIT SWORD 1 that his daddy had purchased for him from a shady man named Mr. Whispers. BRINGING IT DOWN LIKE HELL'S FURY HE STRUCK AT HIS FORMER FRIEND! Tommy reacted! Trying to counter attack but FAILED! BECAUSE HE WAS BLIND
The turn has moved, and the tables turned. Golden Toes was useless as she was stunned. Tommy stayed vigilant right in his place, to strike again at his former friend. Soul Taster was useless, Soul Taster was dead. Meowy Hopped to it. FLYING TO STRIKE THE MURDERER OF HER CHILD! She dived her knifey hooks inside of Glossy, causing her to ooze and spurt out blood. Glossy heart was in her throat, her eyes filled with the fear and understanding of a mother's rage. Her chin spasmed and shivered. Teeth clattering as Meowy removed her blades from the girl's chest. Quazar was furious! His flesh was seared off his body and causing a putrid gagging smell. Worse than the fart of a Mushroom, but he remained firm. Flipping Delicious behind him and quickly spinning around to face her, his eyes spoke only rage and blood lust.
Quazar Healed and the turn, turned. The brute Cyclops let out a barbaric yelp for his woman. "DELECIOUSSSSSSSSS" HE Screamed as he rushed the unaware Quazar, knocking him up and a few tiles away.... ironically in the direction of his woman. Quazar looked back behind him with a confident smug grin. He gave the Cyclops a thumbs up, then he flipped him off. Turning back to Delicious he grinned. The lust for her blood still there in his eyes. She gave him a blank stoic expression as she let out the fury of her flamer once more. He died right on the spot. A horrible death by flame. Bleeding and dying, Glossy managed to get the strength to fire her bow once more into the heart of Meowy! A critical strike! Meowy burst into several bats and flew away out of the Pit. The Electrobot that everyone seemed to forget teleported over to Golden Toes. Stunning her... again....
The turn, turned once more. Glossy died on the spot, falling onto her back with a thud. Tommy stepped back 4 tiles, making his way to the gate he entered from. His team being wiped effortlessly by Billy. Leaving Golden Toes to herself. As Tommy ran for the door the people of the pit booed and hollered. Throwing their food and other items at the cowering child. THE GATE SLAMMED DOWN! And Timmy was forced to end his turn.
Billy and his group moved closer, the turn changes and Timmy moves back. This goes on for a few moments until Timmy was cornered. The enemy neglected to pay attention to Golden Toes. Timmy curled into a ball, ready to accept his fate as Billy and his group began to beat him down. Stomping on him, shocking him, burning him, and throwing baseballs at his face. Out of the air though, a whistle was heard! BOOM!! MMMMMMMYESSSSSS DOUBLE KILL! A mortar dropped on the machine and Delicious! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed out the Cyclops brute as his love was just murdered by the violent explosion of a falling sky bomb.
The Electrobot burst, sending shrapnel all around! Boom! The Cyclops and his younger brother spinned around. Excitement and confusion flustered in the cheeks of our school teacher. She clapped and cheered in glory!
Turns passed and the two couldn't keep up! Trying to avenge the death of Delicious the brothers chased after Golden Toes. Leaving a half dead Tommy to gargle on his own blood in the corner. They couldn't match though, as they moved, she did too. Kiting them with raining death. Soon, after hailing storms of mortar fire. The brute fell in front of his brothers eyes. The Teacher Golden Toes, whom he once called Ma'am every morning..... turned on him with a lingering hunger to slaughter him and his ilk. Billy couldn't take it, this wasn't fair! Tommy was supposed to be the coward! A DEAD COWARD! On his knees Billy surrendered. The Pit Master yelled out from his thrown above "NO SURRENDER!" and Tommy drove his grand pappies dentures through the young boy with a "shlk!". Tommy couldn't believed it he had won! As Tommy looked up to the sky his smile quickly faded as he realized a falling star. BOOOOOOOOOOOM! MMMMMMMMDOUBLE KILL! the distant chant of a giant bear can be heard! For Golden Toes was the true victor. She had fired preemptively! Accidentally blowing up Tommy after he had killed his former friend. She had murdered her pupils in cold blood and with a smile. "I'M FREE!" She shouted as the crowed showered her in accolades and glory. She exited the Pit and still teaches till this day.
This was the story of the Tommy, the school yard coward.