Hello everyone, it's been awhile *suggestive * as you may or probably don't know, because nobody ever takes the time to pay attention to me, I am now in college. I realized that a lot of you are young chaps who have not yet experienced the wonders and horrors of college, so I CYC, am here to give you, yes YOU, pointers.
Did you fit in in high school or junior high? only .2% of you will answer yes to that question.. wanna know how I know? Because nobody fits in in those damned places. Unless of course you're Studly McHandsome with a 4.0 GPA and a tan skin tone that radiates as if you yourself are the sun. Well I'll tell ya what - IT DOESN'T MATTER. Everything you've achieved in high school (As far as social status and street smarts) is obsolete in college. Nobody gives a **** about who you used to hang out with. If being yourself got you nowhere in high school, then change yourself. College is about starting fresh and new and minty, you have the opportunity to change all those gross quirks about yourself and lie to people to seem cool!
You may be thinking to yourself "But hey, I just want to be me! I don't wanna change myself just so people will like me!" Well **** you, this guide isn't about you thinking for yourself; it's about me telling you what to do. Nobody likes you when you are just being yourself, get used to it. Except for maybe your mom, your dog, and your right hand.
You aren't going to know anyone when you first go to college so it's important to show that you mean business. Let everybody know how cool you are and tell people that you can get them alcohol - that's a guaranteed friendship right there! Remember - Everyone is in the same boat.. so push them out of that damn boat and show them who's boss!
Which brings me to my next point... Alcohol. I don't in anyway condone underage drinking but it's everywhere in college, so you need to know these very important tips in case you decide to drink!
1.) When at a party, it's okay to leave your drink unattended to go use the bathroom or chat with somebody. Everyone in college is trustworthy and you will probably never get roofied. *
2.) If somebody you don't even know is offering you some strange colored liquid - take it! They're just being nice and trying to share their spoils! *
3.) If you suddenly feel the need to bust out dancing, go ahead and do it! Everyone at the party will be incredibly impressed by your smooth moves and the ladies will be all over you . *
4.) If you find a girl at a party extremely attractive, but you find out that she has a boyfriend, hit on her anyways! People in college are very understanding and her buff frat boy toolshed boyfriend will totally understand that you just like to give out compliments! *
* - Do not attempt any of these
By now you're thinking, geeze this is easy! Well it is. Follow these rules and you will surely be successful in your college endeavors.
You may have noticed that I didn't mention anything about classes or the actual 'school' part of college. Well that's a lesson for another day, because I'm a typical procrastinating college illegitimate child.
Have fun out there! And don't blame me if you end up selling crack.